Wedding Blues
by Shadows11
Summary: A long one shot of Bella dealing with wedding frustration. My idea of her reunion with Jake and also finally telling Edward what's been on her mind. Mature content towards the end ;)


**This is a long one shot of Bella dealing with frustration from her upcoming wedding. There will be words, tears, hugs, and a little bit more ;) **

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Wedding Blues:**

"Bella."

Alice's irritated voice brought my attention about once again.

"Huh?"

She shook her head at me in frustration.

"I asked you if you like the navy or dark navy better."

She was holding up napkins. The two colors were nearly indiscernible. Either way I didn't care.

"Dark."

She sighed looking thoughtfully at the napkins.

"I suppose we can arrange that to work with your center pieces. Though the shades would likely work better with regular navy."

I sighed impatiently.

"Then let's use navy."

She frowned at me.

"I'm not trying to make these decisions for you Bella. I just want to give you all the facts."

"If navy works better than dark navy, then I want to use navy."

I could honestly give two craps about any of this, but Alice was Alice, and if I didn't answer there would be hell to pay.

"Navy it is then." She nodded placing the napkins to the side and bringing out a large binder. She thumbed through it making notes. She paused at a page taping it lightly. My stomach dropped. That meant there was another thing she wanted an opinion on. I was so tired of making decisions.

"Alright. We are making good headway with reception details. We have decided on flower arrangements, centerpieces, table cloths, and napkins. Now we need to pick out silverware."

"Silverware?"

I couldn't hold back the note of disbelief. She gave me raised brow look.

"Yes, silverware. There are different styles and shades. I have a few marked that I think would go nicely with the selections we have already made." She handed me the book, pointing out the marked pieces. They all looked like slight variations of the same thing.

I was going to lose it pretty soon.

"This one."

I pointed to one at random. I really didn't care.

Alice deliberated over my selection.

"Yes. I think that will do nicely."

Thank the heavens.

"Now we need to pick out a color for the gift table cloth."

I wanted to smash my head into a wall.

"Why can't we use the same ones as the reception tables?"

What I really wanted to say was _none of this matters_! But I didn't.

Alice sighed, shaking her head at me.

"Bella, we want uniformity, but having everything be the same color will be monotonous. The gift table needs to stand out modestly from the other tables. It lets people know where to go. If everything looks the same, it will be harder for them to find it."

"It's not that big of a room, it shouldn't be that hard to find a table with gifts."

My plan to stay calm was unravelling more quickly than I had intended.

Alice sniffed. A pointed gesture that irked me greatly.

"Okay. How about the shade of white we picked for the bridal sign in book thing?"

Her eyes light with consideration.

"Oh, yes. That will work perfectly. See you're getting it. Color coordination and uniformity without tedium."

Tedium. That sounded a lot like what this day was full of to me.

I just wanted to be done. We had been planning this wedding for months. Shouldn't this be over yet? What more could she possibly need to know?

We'd picked out invitations, colors, dresses, tuxes, flowers, tables, chairs, table cloths and chair covers, the layout of the wedding, the layout of the reception, the food, the music, the wine and beer, the order of the wedding, the order of the reception, who was sitting with who, who was invited, and the list just went on and on.

I didn't mind so much that the tasks needed to be done, but Alice questioned every choice. Especially colors and styles. If I wanted gold, she said silver was better. If I wanted simple, she said it was too understated. There was no end to her commentary and I just didn't care.

I was nearing the edge of my sanity.

"There are still a few items for the reception we need to take care of. Cakes for instance. We need to decide on a style and flavor for the main cake, then something else for the groom's cake."

I had completely forgotten about the cake.

"Alice, I don't like cake."

She frowned thoughtfully at me.

"You are having a cake. It's tradition."

See, that right there was why I was over this whole wedding business. Part of the reason I didn't want to have one in the first place.

"I think we should choose a flavor first. Thoughts?"

"Vanilla. Chocolate. Rainbow. I don't care."

My irritation was definitely not being held back now.

"Bella." Her tone was unimpressed. "This is your wedding. You should want to make these decisions."

"Why? It's one day that people barely remember anyways. Who cares?"

Her lips thinned as narrowed her eyes at me.

"We will remember." She told me pointedly. "And you will remember. And your family will remember. This is an important day. You need to think about what it means to everyone."

On some level I knew she was right. This wedding, while not really for me, was for Edward, his family, and even my family. They were the ones that wanted it. I took a deep breath.

"I like vanilla. A vanilla cake would be good."

She nodded pertly at me, making notes in her binder.

"How many tiers?"

"Three." I said without thinking. Three was traditional.

Alice didn't argue for which I was grateful.

"We really should have you taste test cakes though, before deciding. I will arrange for that later this week."

I sighed heavily.

"Bella, why are you making this so difficult?"

My eyes widened.

"Me? I'm making this difficult?" I was incredulous.

"You are acting as if you don't want a wedding. I am only trying to help give you and Edward the day you want."

And there went the last shred of control.

"What I want?!" I nearly yelled. "This hasn't been about what I want since the day Edward proposed. And I know it probably seems like I'm being really ungrateful, but come on Alice. You know none of this is what I want."

She looked downright heartbroken.

And it made me feel bad.

I sighed, dragging an aggravated hand through my hair.

"I'm really wound up right now. I apologize for losing my temper. I need some space. We can work more on this tomorrow."

I didn't wait for her to say anything. I walked out without looking back.

I knew it was unfair, but I couldn't take the pressure, so I went to the once place I knew I'd be left alone.

It took only minutes before I found myself on the reservation. I'd been half afraid one of the Cullen's would show up before I could cross the boundary. Either I'd been lucky, or Alice hadn't said anything.

I wasn't sure which was more disquieting.

I followed the road to my favorite spot. A spot I had claimed when Edward had left. When I needed to think, to feel, to be myself.

It wasn't long before I made it to the tiny strip of beach. Though it was public it was always deserted. It was rather small, and the view wasn't as nice as LaPush beach. But to me it was perfect. Secluded and vacant.

It was exactly what I needed.

Sinking down into the sand I tried to let my worries flow away. I closed my eyes and listened to the lapping of water on the shore, the breeze shaking the trees, felt the sun on my skin, and just enjoyed the general lack of expectation.

No one was there to demand things of me. No one was there to make me feel like I had to pretend. I was tired of pretending. I was tired of feeling overwhelmed with guilt.

But out here, I could just exist.

Though it felt like ages, it wasn't long before I felt a presence beside me.

It should have annoyed me, but somehow, I couldn't work up the energy.

"Hi Jake."

He laughed.

"How did you know it was me?"

"Who else gives off so much ungodly heat?"

He laughed again.

I felt the sand shift as he sat down beside me.

"You hiding?"

I cracked one eye open to look at him. He was giving me a knowing look. I sat up slowly.

"Yeah. Something like that."

He nodded then looked away to the ocean.

"Want to talk about it?"

It made me want to cry.

I looked at him with fondness. I hated that every second around me was painful to him. That so much of our friendship had changed.

"I don't think it's a good idea."

He gave me a sideways glance.

"I guess that means this is related to your bloodsucker."

I winced at his words. He noticed.

"Damn Bella. I'm sorry." He looked sorry.

"No. Don't be." I patted him on the back. He gave me a surprised look. I had been careful to avoid contact with him since our last fight.

"I hate seeing you sad." He whispered.

"I hate seeing _you_ sad." I repeated back.

He gave me a lopsided grin.

"I'm not sad right now."

I shook my head at him.

"Only because you think there's trouble in paradise." I countered. He gave me a sheepish look.

"Well it seems likely considering you came here, where you know they can't come."

I didn't respond.

We sat in silence for a moment.

"I hate that we don't talk anymore Bells. I miss you."

That drug a knife through my heart.

"I hate it too, but it just seemed better this way."

He gave me a thoughtful look.

"You stay away because you don't want to hurt me." It was a statement.

I nodded.

"I love you Jake, but not in the way I think you want. And before, when we were together, I saw how much it hurt you. How much I hurt you. I couldn't stand it. I thought that if I removed myself, maybe you'd find it easier."

I wasn't trying to defend my behavior, I stood by it. But I did want to explain.

"I thought you did it because of _Him_."

I rolled my eyes at how he said Him.

"_His_ name is Edward. You know that. And no. Though I knew it would annoy him for us to spend time together, that's not why I stopped coming over."

Jacob looked thoughtful.

"I guess I just assumed that since you're going to marry him you agreed with him."

I sighed.

"Things aren't so simple. And in what relationship do the people always agree?"

He gave me a sly smile.

"We got along pretty well."

"We did. But we also argued pretty well too."

We both laughed at that.

"I know you chose _Edward,_ but I miss being your friend. I want that back Bella."

"I don't know if we can go back." I looked into his dark brow eyes. "I'm so tired of hurting you. Do you think I wouldn't know it would torture for you to be my friend now?"

He considered.

"I don't think we ever stopped being friends. I think we're in a fight. But even friends fight sometimes."

He had me there.

"I know it might be hard for you to understand, but I want to know what's going on with you. I do want to be there for you. I always want to be your friend."

It was hard not to respond to his words. He was my friend and I still wanted him to be.

"Are you saying you can handle the thought of me and Edward being together? Because last time you blew up and tried to kiss me even though you knew I didn't want it."

He looked ashamed.

"I'm not proud of that moment. I guess I thought that if we kissed, you'd see how much you loved me. It was flawed logic, but I know better now."

He seemed sincere.

"Apart from my behavior, which we can both agree was pretty terrible at the time, I do love you Bella, as my friend. And I want to be the friend that supports you. Like right now. You look like you could use that."

I couldn't disagree. I did want a friend.

"Please tell me. I want to know."

I sighed giving in to his words. I was fairly certain this was going to end badly, but I couldn't deny him this. If he really wanted to be friends, this would be the hardest part.

"Okay. But I need you to promise me that as a friend, you can handle what I might say. If I'm going to be honest with you, I need you to not judge. And if you feel like maybe you can't, stop me. We need to learn how to respect each other's needs again."

He nodded.

"I can do that. Now will you tell me what brought you out here?"

I looked out at the ocean.

"I'm feeling frustrated with the wedding." I finally said.

I'd been holding that thought in for months.

"Why?" his words were kind, unjudging.

"Most simply," I sighed, "because I don't want to have one."

His eyes widened at me.

"Okay Bells. I'm trying to understand that, but _what_? Why are you getting married if you don't want to get married?"

I scrunched my nose.

"It's hard to explain. When I say I don't want to get married it implies something different than what most people think. They think it means that you don't love the person you're with. Or that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with them. For me that's not the case."

Jacob looked totally bewildered.

"So you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, but you don't want to get married?"

I nodded.

"That makes no sense to me." He said honestly.

"Marriage doesn't matter. It doesn't always keep people together. It sure as hell didn't keep my parents from splitting." I picked the hem of my pant leg. "It's just a day. A day that in the grand scheme of things means so little. People get married all the time, but it doesn't mean they'll love each other always. As if a piece of paper could prevent you from falling out of love."

"I understand that your own parents divorce makes the thought of marriage really difficult. I mean I guess I knew that already. We did talk about it once upon a time." He smiled at the reminiscent thought. "I guess thinking about it now I'm sort of surprised Edward proposed. Doesn't he know how you feel?"

"This is where things get a little…difficult." I grasped to find the words. Jake looked interested. "I'm not sure I can explain without telling more intimate details than I'd like about mine and Edward's relationship. I know you want to be here for me, but I'm not a monster. I don't want to make this harder than it has to be."

His mouth frowned slightly, then upturned lazily.

"Is Bella embarrassed to talk sex with her friend?"

I nearly gasped at his candor.

"I can be cool." He told me eyes innocent. I shook my head at him.

"You are impossible." I sighed. "That wasn't the sort of intimate I meant."

He gave me a guileless look.

"Edward doesn't want to change me."

That really made his eyes bulge.

"What? First you say you don't want to get married, now you're saying Edward doesn't want you to be like him? I am so confused at your relationship right now."

I groaned.

"This is all very hard to explain." I put my face in my hands. "It's all so complicated and nothing makes sense because it just doesn't make sense, even though it kind of does."

"Whoa, whoa. It's okay. Let's just rewind for a minute. Why don't you start with why Edward doesn't want to change you?"

"Because he, like you, thinks that he's taking my life away. He loves me, but he doesn't want to make me miss out on being a human. He thinks that changing me is damning me for all eternity."

Surprise lit Jake's face.

"So he wanted you to live life out as a human?"

"Yes. But I don't want to."

Some comprehension was starting to dawn on his face.

"You don't want to die while he lives on without you."

I felt ashamed at my own selfishness.

"I love him so much. It would be hell to spend the rest of my life as a human. Getting older while he stays young forever." I shuddered at the thought.

"You could live a human life without him."

I gave him a look.

"I could live, but I wouldn't want to."

He frowned.

"When Edward left me, it was the worst experience of my life." I said looking at him. His eyes turned sad with remembrance.

"You looked so dead."

"I felt dead Jake. Every day without him was miserable. When he left it put a hole in me that never quite filled back up. I tried to be normal, I knew how concerned everyone was for me, but it didn't matter. The one I loved more than anything decided I wasn't enough anymore. There was nothing that I could do."

I didn't speak of those times. I knew Edward wanted to know, the masochist. But I wanted to forget.

"How can you love him for doing that to you Bella? For hurting you like that? Even if you could never love me, there has to be someone else out there that would treat you better." He looked so torn up.

"Jake I don't talk about that time in my life because it upsets me. I try not to think about it, but I think it's time I told you something. Something that might help you understand."

He looked pained, but nodded.

"You know what I was like before we really started hanging out and became friends." He nodded. "And I think you feel that I got better with you." I paused.

"It did seem like that."

"That's half true. Being with you made me feel not so broken anymore. It made me feel like I was partially living again. But it still didn't fill the hole. I missed Edward with every part of my being. I cried every night. I thought of him nearly every moment. It was better with you, but I still struggled."

I didn't like talking about any of this. I prayed Edward wouldn't find out.

"I was traumatized. That sounds really dramatic, but that's how I felt. And before long I realized it was true. I was suffering from depression, but also I think a little PTSD."

His eyes widened.

"When you and I started riding the bikes, I was delusional." There really wasn't an easy way to say it. "Whenever you and I did something that was sort of dangerous, I heard Edwards voice in my head. I know how crazy that sounds, but that's why I said I was traumatized."

Amazingly, Jake was taking everything well. His face showed concern, but otherwise seemed calm.

"I missed him so much, I think my subconscious was conjuring him up to help me deal with my feelings. And when I realized that being careless sort of brought a piece of him back to me, I became addicted. I just stopped caring for my safety. I craved him more than I cared for my life."

His eyes were so sad.

"It got so bad that I nearly killed myself. The day I jumped off the cliff."

"That was why? So you could hear him again?" His voice was unjudging.

I nodded, feeling slightly ashamed.

"I didn't think that I'd die. I was just so upset that day. You had been avoiding me. You were such a light to me back then that when it felt like I was losing you, I just lost it Jake. I couldn't handle it anymore. And I knew that if I jumped, I'd hear his voice. I needed that so much. We'd talked about jumping, you thought it was crazy, but I assumed it wasn't actually dangerous since we'd seen the others do it." I gave him a woeful glance.

"Obviously that didn't go like I planned. You wound up having to save me."

"That scared the life out of me just so you know. I know you tried to get me to believe otherwise, but I really though you tied to kill yourself on purpose that day."

"Unfortunately, you weren't the only one."

His look of confusion confirmed that there was still a lot he didn't know.

"Alice saw me jump and then everything went black. She didn't know that it was because you saved me, she thought it was because I died."

"Holy shit."

I nodded ruefully.

"Worse, Edward read her mind, saw the vision and thought for sure I was dead. You confirmed that inadvertently when he called my house asking after Charlie."

"No." His mouth hung open remembering. "You mean that was Edward that called? And when I told him about Harry Clearwater's funeral, he thought it was yours?"

"Yup."

His eyes were so round it would have been comical if the situation was different.

"This is where I think some of my feelings about Edward are hard to deal with for you. And at the time for me."

He nodded urging me to continue.

"When Edward thought I killed myself, it tore him apart. He blamed himself, and loving me as he does, he thought to end his suffering."

"No shit. He tried to kill himself?" Jake's tone was astonished.

"More like he tired to get himself killed, but yes. Either way, it was suicide." I felt the ugliness of the words on my tongue. I hated them.

"But he didn't die?" His confusion was evident and understandable.

"No, because I went to stop him. Alice was the only one who thought to come check and see if I was really dead. When she found me alive, the only thing we could do was try to get to Edward before it was too late."

"How was he going to do it?"

I felt weird about telling him all this, but I hoped it would help him understand.

"There's a coven of ruling vampires in Italy, called the Volturi. Sort of like royalty you could say. They keep other vampires in check. Although they don't have the vegetarian lifestyle of the Cullen's they still have strict rules about harming humans. It's awful, but as long as vampires are careful and not risking exposure, then they are free to do as they please. Edward decided to expose his true nature in public right before the Volturi. It would have gotten him an instant death warrant."

I shuddered remembering it all.

"I got there in time to save him from what he was about to do, but in the process, I found myself brought before the coven. My human status was unacceptable given that no human is allowed to know about the existence of vampires. They basically said if I wasn't changed, I would be killed."

I could tell it was a lot for Jake to take in.

"That is so crazy."

"I know."

"So that's why Edward is changing you? Because the Volturi are making him?"

"Not exactly. He thinks that the Volturi won't follow up with my change for a very long time. Maybe even long enough to let me live a full human life. But I don't want to take that chance and risk others getting hurt. If the Volturi found out their order was never carried out, I don't doubt they would seek vengeance."

"I think this is all starting to make sense. You want to be changed because you love the Cullen's, not just Edward. You want to save them from harm." He looked at me with a different sort of appreciation.

I laughed.

"You make it sound like I'm some selfless saint. Believe me, my motives are still selfish. I don't want to live a life without Edward. I don't want to spend the next 70 years or whatever alone or with him watching me grow old. I want to be with him as an equal."

He didn't look totally convinced.

"You want to spend the rest of eternity with someone that hurt you?"

"Edward hurt me, but when I understood his motives it took a lot of sting out."

His brows furrowed.

"His motive seemed a lot like he just didn't want to deal with you anymore. And now it seems like he's being forced to."

"That's because you saw how much pain he put me through, you never saw the reason behind it. And for a long time, neither did I." I admitted honestly. "When he left, I thought it was because he didn't love me anymore. And that when he tried to kill himself it was over guilt for my death. But I came to realize the truth couldn't be more opposite. He left because he loved me so much. He was afraid of hurting me. Of putting me in danger. I mean it made sense. I was hunted and hurt by other vampires because of our association. Then I hurt myself causing Jasper to almost kill me. In looking at everything he saw only a life of danger. One where I would constantly be in harm's way."

I could tell Jake was thinking it over.

"He left because he was scared of hurting me more. And when he thought I'd died, he didn't want to live anymore. He loves me so much, he wanted to end the suffering of living a life without me. That's not the actions of someone who doesn't care. But to an outsider it does look that way.

We were both quiet for a long moment.

"I think I understand now. You both really do love each other, and for either of you to be happy, is to be together. For you to be like him so he'll never have to worry and so you can be with him always."

It was summed up so perfectly all I could do was nod.

"I wish I could hate him."

That made me laugh.

"Sometimes I do too."

He gave me a sad smile.

"So how does the wedding play into all of this?"

I had almost forgotten about that part. I groaned.

"The wedding is Edward's way of torturing me." I pouted. "He said he wouldn't change me unless I married him."

Jake barked out a laugh. It surprised me.

"I'm sorry but man he played you good. He thought he could change your mind if he put marriage on the table. Damn he's sly."

I frowned hating how right he was.

"I know." I sighed.

Jake gave me a contemplative look.

"Is it really so bad? If you love him enough to be with him forever, to go through all that you will have to be with him, is marriage such a big deal?"

I sighed again.

"No. I suppose not. I just feel like I shouldn't have to get married to prove my love. I don't ever want to be complacent. I think marriage makes people feel like nothing can ever tear them apart then they stop trying. That scares me so much Jake. I don't want that to happen to us." I nearly whispered the last part.

"I think you should tell Edward how you feel."

I frowned at his good idea.

"Plus, I think you get out of marriage what you put in it. If you want it to work it will. And given everything you've told me, it sounds like that's not going to be an issue for you Bells."

I knew he was right. I hated it.

"I know you're right."

He nodded and we both looked at one another.

"Thank you for this Jake. I don't know how hard this is for you. I want to be a good friend to you too."

"You are Bella. Everything you told me today, while it doesn't change my feelings for you, it does help me understand. I'll never not love you, but our friendship is enough. Maybe one day I'll find what you have with Edward. For now I'm just happy that you're happy. I'll try not to so pigheaded in the future."

The last part caught me off guard so much I laughed.

"Does this mean that when Edward does change me, you're not going to say the treaty is broken and start a war?"

He looked bashful.

"I regret how badly I took the news that you were getting married, and that Edward was planning to change you. I can't argue with the fact that there are things out of my control. And starting a war won't change you back, nor will it make my feelings go away. So no, Bella. I don't plan on causing trouble. And when you change, I'll still be your friend."

And I couldn't ask for better.

Feeling the need to let off some steam, Jake and I went swimming, clothes and all. I hadn't brought a suit and honestly it didn't matter. My shirt billowed around me and pants clung to my legs. Jake was grinning at me. It was a lot like old times. We just played around, splashing, swimming. He told me about school and some other things going on in his life. It was so nice to just be relaxed.

As the sun started to dip down to the edge of the water, I knew it was time to face reality. Jake and I said our goodbyes feeling a sense of friendship we hadn't in quite some time. I promised to visit him soon.

Making my way back the house, much of the lightheartedness I'd felt earlier, dissipated.

When my house came into view, I saw no cars in sight. I knew Charlie would be home late, but I'd expected to be greeted with a pissed off Alice. Or a least an angry Edward. The utter desertion of the yard made my skin crawl in an uneasy way.

Feeling dread, I entered the house. Complete silence met me.

I sighed deeply, making my way upstairs. I assumed they decided to give me the space I asked for. It would be nice to wind down from today. I did need a shower. My clothes were still soaked from swimming.

I began pulling off my wet clothes before I reached my room. I'd made it down to my bra and panties when I opened my door to be greeted by a shocked looking Edward.

I dropped my clothes in fright.

Edward was staring at me. I knew what little clothing I had clung to me tightly, and was partially transparent from the water. He could probably see everything, but I stood there frozen. His eyes flicked to every curve of my body, roving from toes up my claves to my thighs. I saw him swallow hard as his gaze lingered at the apex of my thighs. I felt a tightness in my stomach from his stare. He continued the path with this heated look, stopping once again to appreciate the rapid rise and fall of my chest. His jaw locked tightly.

When his eyes finally made their way back to mine, they were wild.

The heat in them sent warmth flooding through me.

"Edward." I could only breathe his name. I was too caught up in his look to do anything more.

He advanced towards me slowly. He looked like a panther, and I his prey. I knew without a doubt my eyes were big, staring up at him in breathless anticipation. When he stopped in front of me, he reached out a hand to trail a finger from my neck down to crest of my breast. His hand stopped there, feeling the quickened drumming of my heart.

His eyes closed in what I could only assume was from the urge to control himself.

Then he was releasing me. I nearly whimpered at the loss of contact. He took a step back and ran a hand through his hair. An attempt to quell frustration that I had become all too familiar with.

Suddenly I felt hollow inside.

"Bella, we need to talk." His nose was scrunched up tightly, as if in pain.

"Okay." My voice sounded empty. He tossed me a look of concern. I ignored it, grabbing my robe from the back of my bedroom door. I wrapped it around me then sat legs crisscrossed waiting on the bed.

He gazed at my knees poking out of the sides of my robe. I pretended I didn't see.

"Would you like to take a shower first?" I was sure he could see the salt crystals as they dried on my skin.

"No." My response, though lacking in enthusiasm, wasn't rude.

He gave me a searching look, as if he was trying to discern my thoughts. I waited.

"I talked to Alice."

I had expected as much so I wasn't surprised.

"Okay."

"I heard about your conversation today."

Still, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. She probably replayed the moment in her head for him.

He looked like he was waiting for me to say something. I just shrugged.

"You were upset about wedding planning."

I nodded, not really sure where he was going with any of this. His hand ran through his hair again.

I must have really been irritating him.

"Then you just took off."

I felt a little affronted. I didn't storm out, but I didn't feel like defending myself.

"So?"

His face snapped to mine.

"You didn't tell anyone where you were going." He accused.

I raised a brow.

"If you don't know where I went, I'll be very surprised."

He looked tortured.

"That is not the point. You left. And worse, you made it so that none of us could talk to you to find out what was wrong."

I rolled my eyes.

"I told Alice I needed space. Where I went doesn't matter. I needed to go where I could be alone."

"But you weren't alone." His voice was quiet now. And his look told me volumes.

It pissed me off.

"Nope." I returned to one-word answers trying to contain my anger.

"You were with Jacob." It wasn't quite accusing, but I didn't like the tone.

"Yep." I let the 'p' pop

"So you two are talking again." He was frustrated.

I shrugged. What was I going to say?

"Damn it Bella, talk to me."

My eyes widened at his curse. He was always so composed and respectful; the slip was more than surprising.

"What do you want me to say?" I threw my arms open. The universal symbol of 'what?'. "You're not exactly asking me any questions."

"Why did you go see Jacob?" Okay that was direct at least.

"I didn't."

His disbelieving look hurt.

"You spent time with him, but didn't go to see him?" The tone of reproach was evident.

"Yeah. It's called running into someone." My tone was admittedly less than friendly, but I was so tired of the accusation.

I felt so angry that I was having to explain myself. No one else seemed to have to explain their behaviors. I was aware that my attitude was getting us nowhere. I rubbed my face with my hands in an effort to displace some of my frustration.

It didn't work

"I was feeling frustrated so I went to a place on the reservation. Jake showed up there after a bit. He probably smelled me or something. I don't know."

He was quiet for a long moment. I could tell he was thinking my words through, trying to decide what he wanted to say next.

"You made up with him." It wasn't really a question, but I figured if I didn't respond we were going to be here all night, and I really wanted to get a shower.

"Yeah. We talked."

He looked so distraught.

"What did you talk to him about?"

I bristled at his question.

"Why is it that I have to tell you everything? Am I not allowed to have conversations with people? I don't ask you where you've been all the time. I don't make you tell me every detail of every conversation."

"But Jacob is not just anyone."

His words sliced through the air.

"You're right." My voice was defeated. His eyes snapped to mine. "He's not just anyone. He was my best friend. He was the one person that I could go to no matter what. And I missed him. I missed my best friend."

My voice had turned soft and was full ache. I didn't mean for it to be. I didn't mean to hurt him, but I could tell it was.

He was warring with himself. His eyes rapidly shifted back and forth.

"You missed him?" The words took on tone of indescribable sadness. He wouldn't look at me.

"Edward." I spoke softly. His gaze finally found mine. "Please sit down." I patted the bed next to me.

He looked at the spot like I'd asked him to sit in fire.

"Please." I whispered.

Unable to deny my request, he sat beside me. There was plenty of space between us, but still close enough I could reach out and touch him if I wanted.

I needed him to understand. I needed him to know why I missed Jake so much. Why he meant so much to me.

"I can tell how hard this is for you. That me missing Jake upsets you. I've never really explained it before, because things were so tense between us, and I know how much it hurts you. But maybe it's time for me to explain how Jake came to be my best friend. If you think you can handle it." I let my words sink in. I was willing to tell him what Jake meant to me. What all of that entailed.

"I don't care Bella. I need to know." His words were desperate.

I took a moment to gather the courage to do this.

"When you left me, it didn't just hurt. It wasn't just some mild pain I could ignore and then go about my day." Every word was soft, but I knew it didn't take the sting out. He watched me with pained eyes.

"It left a hole. I felt like a part of me was missing. An integral part of who I was; just gone." I hated remembering the pain. Hated remembering the days without him. And I really hated I was going to tell him about it.

"I was, for lack of a better word, traumatized. Totally and completely changed in ways you probably never thought of. Because when you left it told me I wasn't enough. That I never would be either. That there was nothing about me worth fighting for."

Tears welled in my eyes.

This was so hard. I'd never told him any of this before. I looked up to see tears in his eyes too. I wanted to stop, but now the door was open and I couldn't go back.

I swallowed past the sob trying to work its way up my throat.

"It was hard to live like that. Feeling worthless and knowing that you were never coming back." I couldn't look at him while I spoke. I knew I'd lose my nerve if I did.

"Then Jake came along. It wasn't really welcome at first, but I saw how much it made Charlie happy. And he was really the only thing I cared about anymore. But as I spent more time with Jake, things changed. We became real friends and I was able to open up to him like I hadn't been able to before. We could talk. He didn't hold back like you always did with me. He told me what was on his mind and let me feel free to have my feelings too. And he never judged me. No matter how bad I got, no matter how depressed, even through all the nights of sobbing for you, he never gave up on me."

Tears flowed freely. I'd have held them back if I could have.

"I needed to feel that. I needed to know I was worth it. Jake proved that to me. All the while knowing I was in love with you, and that I would never be able to love him like that. I won't say it was totally selfless, I know he hoped that time would change things. That eventually I'd come to love him enough, not the same as you, but enough to make a life with him."

I breathed deeply. I'd been holding back so much, my lungs felt tight from suppression.

"Even though I knew I could never give him that, I did grow to love him in different ways. As a brother and ultimately, my best friend. I'd never had a best friend before. You were the closest, but for all our love you never opened up to me the way Jake did. You struggled to let me be myself with you, where Jake accepted it. And I know how much it hurts for you to hear all of this, but it's the truth. I missed Jake, because he was and is the best friend I've ever had."

Though there was little space between us, the silence made it seem monumental. I braved myself to look up. His eyes were closed, head titled back, his face contorted to one of pure agony. His fists clenched at his sides. He looked like he was enduring torture.

"Edward?" My voice was a question. He was so still. I was afraid I'd said too much. Afraid I'd gone too far.

I reached out as if to touch him, but my fingers halted midair. I let my hand fall. I felt so defeated.

If things had been bad before, they were going to be worse now.

I couldn't take the silence or the pressure building in my chest. I got up from the bed, not really sure where I was going. I just knew that I couldn't sit beside him like that anymore.

A hand grabbed my wrist.

"Bella."

I was still turned away. I couldn't look at him.

He came to stand in front of me, but I kept my eyes downcast. He knelt in front of me, capturing my gaze.

There was so much in his eyes. Pain, love, acceptance, self-loathing, and a myriad of others. I couldn't look away. I wondered what he saw in mine.

"I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I understand why you could not tell me any of this before. For all the pain it causes me, you are the one that lived through it. I wasn't there for you. I will never be able to forgive myself for that. For how much I hurt you. But I need you to know I never thought of you as worthless. Never."

His voice was intense.

"My behavior came from fear. I loved you so much and I was terrified being with me was going to get you killed. Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done. I told myself every day you were better off without me. It took all of my willpower to not come running back to you. The only reason I didn't is because I genuinely thought you would get over me. I thought you could have a happy normal life; one without fear and all the baggage that comes with me. I am so sorry I made you feel like you were not worth fighting for. All I can say is that I didn't fight for us, because I was fighting myself so that you could have a better life. I thought keeping you was selfish, because I never understood how much you loved me back. Worse, I never made you feel comfortable enough to tell me how much you loved me."

His hands stroked my wrist softly.

"If I knew then how much you cared for me, I would have never left you Bella. I don't think I would have had the strength to walk away. I'm not excusing my behavior, nor do I ever expect you to forgive me for it. I only want you to understand that you never did anything wrong. That all the pain and hurt was my fault, not yours. And that I am so sorry I wasn't your best friend. I can see that now."

Though I had known all of what he said through his actions, hearing him say it out loud pulled at my heart. Tears were in my eyes, but I held back from crying. I blinked a few times, willing the moisture to go away.

Unable to hold back, I embraced him. His arms came around my waist as I clung to him tightly. I didn't cry though I wanted to. I just held on, burying my face in his shirt. My residual tears dampening the cloth there.

He held me like that for a long time.

I don't know how long it was before I felt him move under us. I felt the dip of the bed as he crawled on it with me still in his arms. He leaned back against the headboard with me sprawled across his lap, my knees on either side of his hips. My chest pressed tightly against his, with my head in his neck.

It was an intimate position. One we hadn't made use of before.

I looked down my nose to see the curve of his neck. My lips were nearly pressed there. I shifted slightly to kiss the spot. He shuddered beneath me. I was surprised at the reaction.

I sat back on his lap to look at his face.

His eyes were still tormented, but I also saw the hint of arousal there. As much as I wanted to act on it, I thought we might still need to talk.

Still, I couldn't help but to reach my hand out to brush his bottom lip with my thumb. It was so plump. I wanted to nibble there. I felt my eyes widen as his tongue dipped out to lick my thumb. Why that felt so erotic I didn't know.

"How can I hurt you so much, and yet here you are, so willing for me?" His tone was puzzled and aroused with a tinge of wonder.

"Because love isn't contingent upon never getting hurt. It's not about reward or promises. It just is." I spoke honestly. Rationally, I should have walked away from him a long time ago. But ration and love didn't always go hand in hand. And it certainly didn't for me.

He gave me a deep look.

"You would love me, even if I kept hurting you?"

That made my stomach tighten in uneasiness.

"Yes. I would still love you."

His eyes darkened.

"You would never leave me?"

My eyes closed against the theoretical question.

"I would hope you'd never make me want to. But if you hurt me enough, I guess I would. I'd never stop loving you though." My voice was sad. I felt as though he was asking my permission to hurt me bad enough to make me walk away. The thought was unbearable.

"Bella," his voice whispered. I opened my eyes involuntarily. His expression was unreadable. "I don't want you to leave me." Relief flowed through me.

"Then why are you asking these questions?"

He looked thoughtful.

"Because I know you don't want to marry me, but you are going to anyways."

That totally caught me off guard, I'm sure he sensed my bewilderment.

"You made it fairly clear today to Alice, and as a consequence, to me, that you don't want to get married. That you are going through with it because it is what I want."

I sighed deeply.

I guess my words and behavior had made that pretty clear.

"It's hard for me to explain my feelings on marrying you."

He brushed my cheek with the back of his hand.

"Please." I was unable to deny his one-word request.

"I don't see marriage like most people do." I began, struggling to think of how to get this across to him. "Like it's supposed to mean more than it really does. That by saying 'I do' in front of a bunch of people somehow makes the love more real or infallible. I just don't see that. I see a piece of paper that ultimately means only what the people put into it. And I know it's all about the symbolic meaning of a wedding. I guess, just coming from a divorced family, makes me feel like marriages are a curse. It really doesn't make sense. I'm not explaining this well." I was getting worked up, near panic really.

Edward's hands came up to rub my arms. I couldn't help but to look at him, though I was afraid of what I might see.

His face was calm. If I didn't know better, I would think a hint of humor was there.

"Bella, it's okay. Breathe." He instructed.

I took a deep breath.

"Good. May I ask you a few questions? I know you will be honest if I ask, but I want you to answer unedited. To tell me exactly what you're thinking."

I'm sure I looked horrified.

He did not want to hear the unedited version of Bella. It would be terrible.

"I don't think that's a good idea. I mean I'll tell you whatever you want to know, but no editing? That's not going to work."

He considered my words.

"When you talk to Jacob, do you edit?"

I nearly groaned.

"Not exactly. I don't usually think about what I'm going to say, so I guess not."

"I know it's asking too much, but I want to know what you think. I understand that maybe I can never be your best friend, but I want to be a better one."

I realized how hard he was trying. He really wanted to know my unfiltered thoughts, not to judge, but to understand.

"I'll try."

It was all I could do.

"Your thoughts on marriage seem to have more to do with how you feel about your parents than how you feel about me."

The switch of subjects again confused me.

"Well yeah. I mean they're my parents. Everything I know about marriage came from them."

He nodded.

"Do you love me?"

I was so startled by the question I didn't think.

"Totally."

He smirked, and I blushed. I sounded like a surfer dude. '_Totally man'_. Next thing you know I'd be saying 'Right on'.

I groaned.

"This is why I edit." I warned.

"No. I like that you love me totally."

I would have blushed harder if it was possible.

"Do you want to be with me Bella?" The intensity caught me off guard. To go from smiling and making me blush to this passionate look.

"Always."

He gave me a loving look.

"How do you feel about marrying me?"

"Scared." The word fell out before I could call it back.

"Why?" No judgement, just concern filled his face.

"That we're going to end up like my parents. That we'll stop trying and one day you'll realize you don't want me anymore." It was far more honest than I ever intended to be.

His look changed. There was such a sadness in them. I knew my words hit a sore spot between us. That in a way I was holding back because he'd hurt me so badly and I didn't want to feel that way ever again.

His hands took my face in his palms. The cool touch was comforting.

"I'm never going to stop loving or wanting you Bella. Ever. I see it is going to take a lot more time for you to really believe that."

I swallowed. His hands stroked down to my throat. It inflamed me. Whether he was intending to be sensual or not, it filled me with so much desire to be touched like this.

"What are you thinking?"

I blushed bright red.

"Umm."

His eyes were watchful.

"No filters." He reminded me softly, continuing to caress my neck. His thumb trailing along my collar bone.

"You- you're. I'm." I stammered. Why was this so hard? My breathing hitched as his fingers delved further under my robe, rubbing over the top of my shoulder. I closed my eyes. It was the only way to say what I was feeling. Thinking.

"You're driving me crazy. The way you're touching me is turning me on." God I couldn't believe I just said that out loud. We _never_ broached the subject of sex. Not since he'd agreed to make love to me after we married.

His hands stilled. I would have protested but I knew better. I was just grateful he didn't remove it altogether.

"This… _arouses_ you?" He said it as he stroked my shoulder softly. My eyes flew open at his words and touch. I could only nod. His heated gaze had me utterly breathless.

He looked astonished. He watched my face as he brushed my shoulder. My robe loosened from the pressure on the fabric. I gasped lightly when his fingers slipped beneath the strap of my bra.

He swallowed hard.

The action made my stomach tighten.

"What else?" He whispered, eyes wide and watchful.

"Huh?" I was so dazed I had no clue what he was talking about?

"What else arouses you Bella?"

Fire coursed through me.

I could not believe this was happening. Was Edward really talking to me about this? Was he really wanting to know more?

"Umm. You asking me that. Uh, talking about this." I was struggling to speak; my mind was so wrapped up in the feeling of his fingers tracing my bra strap up and down.

"Talking about what exactly?"

Oh this was torture.

I knew my eyes had to look wild.

"How you turn me on."

"Would it surprise you to know I think about this a lot?"

Fuck.

Heat pooled all through my body.

"That I think about my hands all over you, leaving no place untouched?"

A fucking whimper escaped my lips.

The hunger in his eyes intensified.

"I want to touch you Bella." His finger trailed down the strap of my bra to the crest of my breast. It took all my willpower not to thrust myself into his hand. "I want to taste every ounce of your skin." The finger rode along the line of my bra caressing my breast all the way down the curve, before ascending back the way it came. I was coming totally unglued.

"Edward." I gritted out, between clenched teeth. "What are you _doing_?" I felt the pained look on my face. I was afraid he was going to stop, but more afraid I was going to attack him if he didn't.

"You like this." He whispered. His hands never stopped roaming. "You look like you're in pain, but I can tell how much you want me to keep touching you."

His voice sounded as if he was in awe and amazement.

My breathing was labored.

"I _do_ like it. I'm trying so hard not to shove your hand down in my bra its driving me insane."

His fingers faltered at my words.

"You want me to touch your breast?"

I felt wild with need.

"Yes. Haven't you ever wanted something so bad it hurt?"

Understanding lit his eyes. Without warning he dipped his fingers beneath the cloth of my bra to palm my breast in his hand. I arched into him at the contact. He groaned loudly.

"God Bella. You're so responsive." His voice was ragged. His thumb rubbed over the mound of my breast while he gripped it firmly in his hand.

"Fuck! You have no idea how good that feels." My own voice was thick with desire.

"Say that again." He whispered fevered.

"Say what?" I gasped.

"You never curse. It's incredibly arousing to me to hear you say such a strong one."

"Fuuck," I dragged out. His words and his hand had made me totally wanton.

"Christ. You feel so good in my hand. Your nipple is so hard." He rubbed against the nub roughly. I cried out.

"Eddward!" I moaned as he rolled my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. My hands were twisting into his hair, pulling on it tightly.

"It feels that good?" he asked me hungrily.

"Amazing. It feels amazing. God I'm so wet."

Edward froze completely.

I was a mass of aching nerves. If he left me now, I knew I would cry. But I released his hair cursing myself internally for speaking my mind. I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have thought his no filter rule applied here.

I closed my eyes against the pain of stopping. Tried to will my heartbeat to slow.

"I'm sorry Edward. I shouldn't have said that." I breathed out after a long moment.

His hand rapidly left my breast. I didn't have enough time to be upset about it, before he was holding my face in his hands again.

"No, Bella. Don't be sorry." I opened my eyes. He was looking at me so deeply. His thumb traced my cheek. "I loved hearing how I make you feel. It's amazing to me that I can make you feel that way at all. That every touch is sensitive enough to evoke a response."

I shook my head at him.

"Bella stop." His voice was more commanding now. It surprised me. "I _loved_ every single noise you made. Every word you said. How your body reacted to my touch. I loved _all_ of it."

"But it freaked you out when I said what I said- I wasn't-" His lips cut me off. The pressure was gentle and I couldn't help the moan that escaped when he licked my bottom lip. I was thoroughly dazed when he pulled away.

"I wasn't freaked out."

I shook my head to clear away the fog.

"But you froze. You always freeze up then pull away when I'm too forward."

He sighed.

"I know my reactions in the past must have been hard for you to understand. I don't pull away because I'm not enjoying it. I am only trying to control myself."

I gave him a doubtful look.

"You never come back. When you pull away you put distance between us. Then you change the subject altogether."

His reaction always hurt. On some level I understood it, but it always made me feel a little empty.

He looked at me sadly.

"I never intended for you to feel like I don't enjoy being intimate with you. I do. So much Bella. It takes all of my control to not strip you completely and have my way with you."

My eyes widened, and the heat re-pooled in my core.

"I stop because I'm afraid of losing control around you. I'm afraid of hurting you. Or worse, if I kept going and didn't realize that you might want to stop. I have to be so careful when I'm around you. I can't even think about what would happen if I lost control with you so."

I felt better, with him having told me so much.

"Why didn't you ever tell me any of this before?"

He swallowed.

"Much of this is still so hard for me to talk about with you. Sex wasn't exactly such commonplace subject when I grew up. And I suppose if feel ashamed at my reactions sometimes. At my weakness."

"You're ashamed that I turn you on?"

His eyes widened.

"No! No. I meant, how easily it would be for me to lose control. I'm ashamed that sometimes my needs push out the necessity of being careful."

I was starting to understand.

"I don't want to upset you, but if you want me to be unfiltered honest with you, I need you to do the same for me. I don't care how embarrassing it is. If you expect me to be that way with you, then you need to return the favor."

He gulped.

"I suppose that's more than fair."

I nodded.

"Why did you freeze tonight?"

I swear he looked like he was blushing, save the fact no redness could enter his cheeks.

"When you said that you were…wet… for me, I nearly lost it. All I could think about was taking you right there. I wanted to shove my hand in your panties and feel for myself."

Ho-ly Fuck!

"That is so hot." I whispered. His head snapped up to look at me. "What? The thought of you touching me like that, wanting to have me like that," I breathed out a deep sigh to emphasize my point. I shuddered.

His eyes were totally enraptured watching me. I should have realized before how all of this was just so hard for him. Maybe things would have been easier knowing that.

Maybe it was time to make a change.

"I know that things were different for you growing up, but if we're getting married we need to be able to talk to each other about sex. And not just sex, but how we make each other feel. I need to know what you like, what's too much, anything that makes being with me like that easier."

He looked thoughtful.

"I see your point. I guess we should talk about this. I have no clue where to start."

His helpless look was actually quite comforting to me.

"We're already starting." I told him softly. "I think one of the biggest issues we have is that currently, whenever we start to get intimate you pull back. Even though I know now that you're trying to control yourself, it does hurt my feelings."

He looked conflicted.

"I have to pull back. I have to be in control. I can't take any chances with you. You're too precious to me."

I nodded.

"While I understand and agree that we need to remain in control, the problem is that once you regain control, you don't come back." I paused for a moment letting him think. "It would just be really nice if you didn't leave me every time."

His nose scrunched.

"What did you have in mind?"

I thought for a minute.

"Okay. If I'm doing something that gets to be too much, and you think you're going to lose control then I think we should change what we're doing."

He looked interested but a little confused.

"Can you give me an example of what you mean?"

Okay Bella, be direct. I took a steadying breath.

"Um, alright. If we're kissing and I touch you somewhere that turns you on too much. If it makes you feel like you can't handle it, instead of running away, I'd rather you redirect me. If I put my hand on your thigh for instance, and it's too much, you can move it to another place on your body you're more comfortable with. Or tell me to move it. The main idea is that I don't want to stop completely."

He considered what I said thoughtfully.

"I think that is a good idea. I do want to be closer to you. But your safety is my priority."

I smiled at him sweetly.

"I also think maybe we should set some ground rules." His brow raised in curiosity. "Obviously the more time we work on this, the more intimate we'll become. I need to know how far you're willing to go so that I don't try to cross any lines. Apart from sex itself, I really don't have any major boundaries, but I realize you might feel differently."

His eyes darkened at my words. I didn't mean to say anything arousing, so I wondered what caused it.

"You are comfortable with me touching you anywhere?" He asked devilishly.

Swoon!

"Uh, pretty much." My voice caught as his hand rose up to undo the sash of my robe.

"You don't mind me looking at your body?" His hands pushed inside my robe, pulling the material apart and down over my shoulders.

I shook my head wordlessly at him.

Apart from my bra and underwear, my whole body was exposed to him. And with the way we were sitting, his face was at eyelevel with my breasts.

His hands reached out to touch my waist. They rested there a moment, as if testing his own control. His thumbs slid up and down rubbing the side of my abdomen. I felt my thighs clench involuntarily.

"I want to touch you so bad Bella. Every inch of you. You would let me?"

I was totally caught up in the feeling of his hands and his words.

"Yes." My voice was breathless.

"Your breasts?" he questioned as he cupped them gently. I could only stare in fascination. He gave them a light squeeze. "And my mouth? Would you let me kiss you anywhere?"

I arched into his hands as he asked the question.

"Yes!" I couldn't help by cry out from the feeling of his fingers massaging my breasts, teasing my nipples. "I want my nipples in your mouth." I told him wantonly.

He chuckled, but his eyes were so dark they looked black.

"I've never seen you like this before. So ready for me to take you."

I didn't even attempt to answer him. What he was doing to my body was beyond my own control.

His head dipped in placing a kiss at the hollow of my throat. I felt my heart pound wildly at the action. His lips skimmed further down until they were pressed directly between my breasts. Each mound rubbing against his cheeks. I could have died from the view.

He kissed along the edge of my bra, while continuing to massage me. I could only groan as response. My hands tangled in his luscious hair. The texture was so soft and smooth even the feel of it was turning me on.

"I want to taste you Bella. I want to lick your pert little nipple. May I?" The formality of the question was strange to hear with the sexual content.

"Yes."

He didn't touch me right away. Instead he continued to rove, kissing, licking at the exposed skin. His fingers tugged at the material, pinching my swollen buds. I gasped. His mouth only then settled over me. I cried out at the sensation.

He lapped me through the material of my bra. Sucked and gently pulled. With every touch the coil inside of me was winding tighter.

"Edward." I gasped out. He lifted his eyes, but didn't remove his mouth. "If you keep doing that, I'm going to lose it." I thought it was only fair I warn him. He gave me an appreciative look. I assumed he was glad to see that I was willing to help keep ourselves in control. With one last nip, he removed his mouth from my breast and placed his hands at my waist.

His lips came to mine. I kissed him sweetly, again and again. My tongue peaked out to brush his lip. He groaned in response, sending fire through me. Encouraged, I kept up my ministrations. My touch was light, just a breeze of contact, with small nips to his bottom lip.

It was only moments before his mouth gave under me. His lips parted breathing in my scent. I was careful. I resisted the urge to press deeply into him, fill his mouth with my tongue. Instead I kept the pace light, the pressure soft. My tongue never strayed far from his lips. I could have died when his own tongue reached out to mine. I wasn't able to hold back the moan.

His hands gripped me tighter, the feeling was amazing.

"Touch me," I whispered against his lips while encouraging his hand to cup my breast. He did so without hesitation.

I moaned against him at the wonderful contact of being touched.

My hands gripped his shoulders, but I wanted to touch more. I let my hands fall to his waist and I tugged his shirt up to release it from his pants. Edward never stopped kissing or touching me while I worked my hands into his shirt. I let my fingers rest at his hips.

They were so smooth and hard.

I made circles with my thumb at the dip between his thigh and the base of his abdomen. When he hissed, I pulled back startled.

"Sorry. That was too much. Too close." He panted at me.

I nodded my understanding, although thrilled he responded like that to my touch. I placed my hands higher up on his waist. I explored the contours of his stomach with my fingers, never straying below his hip.

Similarly his hands roved my body. They gripped my waist, my breasts, every curve was gently explored. When his hands rested high on my thighs I arched and moaned into him.

"God Bella. You feel so good."

"Fuck Edward. You're too good at this. I'm so ready I could explode."

He growled in my ear.

"Are you going to climax?"

Fuck me, he did not just ask that.

"Dear God. Don't ask me that. I'm doing everything I can not to jump you right now." I panted out.

"What if I want to make you cum."

My whole body reacted to his words. Every nerve ending tingled with force and I knew I was going to orgasm if he didn't stop.

"Edward." I could hardly talk. "I'm going to if you don't stop. You need to stop if you can't handle that." I was trying so hard to be good.

"I can handle it. I want you to orgasm for me Bella. I wish I could be inside you to feel you constrict around me." He pinched my nipples as he whispered in my ear.

That did it.

I tipped right over the edge crying out in pleasure as I did.

The world spun slightly, and I fell forward. Strong arms embraced me. I rested against the cool body, needing it to calm my racing heart.

"Fuck me." I groaned, coming down from my high.

His whole body snapped taught.

I raised my head in confusion.

"Uh. I don't think I'm ready for that yet." Edward's eyes were wide. It took me a moment to understand. I groaned and laughed at the same time.

"It was an expression pleasure, not a request." I clarified.

He relaxed slightly, then smirked at me.

"Well that's never happened to me before." I pondered aloud with a shaky laugh.

Edward's eyes widened.

"You've never-?" he trailed off, but I got the question

"Not without, oh how do I say this, um, more, um, lower stimulation." I felt my cheeks turning bright red.

Edward cleared his throat.

"Oh. I see."

I couldn't help my laugh. He looked confused.

I shook my head.

"I'm embarrassed that the man I'm going to marry, made me have the most amazing orgasm of my life, without actually _touching _me." I laughed again. It was all so silly.

He gave me a lopsided grin.

"The most amazing?"

I nodded.

"You betcha. I'm probably going to have to take care of myself again later. I'm going to be so disappointed."

"Shit, Bella." His curse surprised me. "You have no idea what it does to me when you say stuff like that."

Good Bella wasn't sure how to respond.

Evil Bella knew exactly what to say.

He did ask me to speak unfiltered.

Evil Bella won.

"You mean you don't want me to tell you how I'm going to fanaticize about you touching me later? About how I'll be replaying how your hands and mouth pleasured me while I touch myself?"

He growled lowly.

"You don't want to hear how I _am_ going to put my hand down my panties? I'll be so wet for you Edward, you have no idea. It's going to be hard not to cum immediately."

I had noticed the bulge in his pants before, but it was growing even larger now. The things I wanted to do to him.

Hmm maybe this no filter thing was a blessing.

"I guess that means you really don't want to hear about how I want to unzip your pants, pull out your cock, and pleasure you until you cum."

"Fuck Bella." His hands gripped my sides.

"Are you resisting the urge to touch yourself? Cause heavens knows I am."

His eyes were so wild. I'd never seen him quite so unhinged. I wondered for a moment if I should stop.

No, this was right. This is what we needed. We needed to be intimate. We needed to explore and figure this out. Otherwise when we do have sex for the first time, it'll be a catastrophe.

"Edward." He gave me a hard look. "I want you to touch you." I was gentle with my words. He gasped.

"Don't think for a moment. Just answer. Do you want me to touch you?"

"Yes." He bit out. I could tell it was taking all his strength not to lose it.

"I need you to let go of me." His eyes looked panicked. "I promised I'd help you stay in control. Let go of me." My firm tone did it. He released my sides to clench the bedsheets.

I gave him a reassuring smile.

"I'm going to touch you. At no point should you touch me."

He gulped and nodded.

I pulled in close, pressing my lips to his. I needed to ease him into it.

I kissed him lightly much like before. The pressure was subtle, teasing. It did exactly as I thought. His body relaxed, his mouth opened. I let my tongue wander out to meet his lips. I sucked, kissed, and licked. I continued these motions while running my hands through his hair. He seemed to enjoy it thoroughly based off the noises that were coming from him.

Still kissing him, I moved my hands down. I wanted to touch his skin. My fingers dipped into the back of his shirt. He groaned at the physical contact.

"Take off your shirt." I commanded pulling back slightly. It was off in less time it took me to blink. I was absolutely struck by how beautiful he was. Then again, I was always struck by Edward's beauty.

Unable to quell the desire to run my hands all over his body, I did just that. I caressed every muscle. And there were a lot of muscles. They bunched and jumped as my hands slid across. That excited me.

I looked at his nipples in curiosity. Were they as sensitive as mine?

I thumbed across the peak, his sharp intake told me exactly what I needed to know. Edward liked his nipples touched.

With this newfound knowledge, I set to teasing him. I rubbed his chest slowly, letting my fingers ever so slightly brush his pecks. He gasped every time.

"You like it when I touch you here?" I asked him gently squeezing his nipple in my fingers. He groaned loudly.

"Yes."

I smiled at his reaction.

"How about my mouth? Would you like me to put my mouth right here?"

His eyes flew open as my mouth descended on him. His hands came up to my hair. I stopped what I was doing to give him a pointed look. He groaned, but dropped his hands. I continued to suck on his pecks, switching back and forth. The noises he made were incredible.

While my mouth kept up its onslaught, I let my hands fall to lap. Much like before I rubbed into the curve of his hip. He bucked slightly at the contact. I wondered if I could make him cum from this.

I pressed harder and bit his nipple simultaneously.

He fucking growled. A full, lion like growl.

"God Edward, you're making my panties soaked." I teased him, although it was quite true.

And I had a wicked idea. Hell I was being bold, taking control. I might as well.

"Give me your hand."

I could tell he was hesitant, but too turned on to deny me. He reached out slowly.

I guided his hand down. When his fingers touched the inner part of my thigh, we both shivered, but I didn't stop. I pushed his hand further up until he was touching my underwear. So that he could feel the wetness through the cloth. I knew the exact moment he did.

"Bella I don't think I can do this." His voice was tight, with an edge of hysteria.

"You don't have to do anything love." I removed my hand from his, though he could have pushed my hand away with no effort at all. Still I was surprised when he didn't remove his hand from me. I waited, but his hand didn't budge.

"Edward, you can move your hand. I promise its fine." It was all true. I wanted to pleasure him. I had only done this because I thought it would turn him on more.

He looked at me intensely, and suddenly his fingers were moving gently against me. I cried out in pleasure. I certainly hadn't expected that.

"Whoa!" I exclaimed my hands shooting to his. "That's not what I meant."

He looked at me confused.

"You don't want this?" He rubbed the spot again. I couldn't help the gasp.

"You bet your ass I do, but that's not what I meant when I said you could move. I meant away, you could move away. I'm not trying to pressure you to please me. Christ." My breathing was ragged and my heartbeat thundered.

"I just thought it might help. Turn you on I mean, if you felt me a little. I wasn't expecting you to do anything else." I explained.

He didn't move his hand, though it was still pressed against me. I thought he might be able to feel my pulse there I was so turned on.

"I don't know if I can be more turned on than I am right now." He spoke his voice gravely with want. "I want to rub you so bad. And I want you to touch me. God that's terrible. Tell me to stop. I don't think I can stop if you don't tell me to." His voice pleaded no, but his eyes said otherwise.

"I'm going to touch you Edward. And because it feels so good, I'm going to move against your hand. Can you handle that? Can you stay in control if I rub my pussy on you, while I stroke your cock?" I was telling him exactly what he was in for. Giving him a chance to back out.

He audibly swallowed then nodded his consent. I rocked against his hand, sending pleasure through me.

I let my hands lightly trace the outside of his pants to the swollen area beneath them. When I came in contact with the bulge, he bucked and twitched his fingers against me. It was all so delicious.

I smoothed my palm over him, touching him though his pants. He moaned loudly, while rubbing against my pussy. I started out slow, then picked up pressure and speed as his moans grew louder. I knew he was getting close.

"Fuck I love the way you're touching my pussy. I keep thinking about you slipping your fingers inside of me."

He rubbed me harder the wetness coming thorough more and more. I gripped his cock as hard as I could. He bucked his hips wildly.

"You're so close aren't you? I want you to cum Edward. God I'm so close. Your hand feels amazing. Come with me Edward. I'm about to-" my words turned into a guttural groan as I released against him. His own severe growl and jerking told me he reached his own satisfaction too.

We lay silent for a long moment. I needed time to catch my breath. I'm sure he needed time to regain control.

When my heart started to slow I was finally able to look at him. He looked slightly dazed.

I gave him a smile.

"I hope that was as good for you as it was for me." I grinned.

He smiled tenderly back at me, then pulled me close for a kiss.

It wasn't usually like him to kiss me. Usually I was the aggressor. His advance filled me with happiness.

The kiss was soft, and warm in the afterglow of spend passion. It was nice to be this close to him.

"That was more than good." He told me eventually.

"Does that mean we can do it again sometime?"

First his eyes widened, then he started laughing.

"Yes. I definitely want to do that again."

I felt so happy to hear him say that.

"Does that really make you so glad?" he asked trailing a finger down my nose.

"It makes me very happy that you want me. That you're willing to try to be intimate with me. I'm usually making all the moves, so it's nice to hear. That's all."

He gave my nose a light kiss.

"Before tonight I wasn't sure I could be intimate with you. I am always so worried. But you showed me we can make it work. I don't think I would have been able to if you hadn't taken control. You telling me what to do made it easier for me to keep myself in check."

"So you like a boss in the bedroom. Interesting."

He laughed at me.

"I'm really happy we talked tonight. I feel a lot better, about everything now. I've been so stressed and this really helped."

He gave me a wicked smile.

"I'm glad my superior skills helped."

I slapped his arm and rolled my eyes.

"Not what I meant. Although _that _did help with some much-needed tension relief." I winked.

He chuckled.

"I think it's time for a shower." He mentioned.

I looked down at both of us and grinned.

"Your poor pants. Next time I'll have you take them off."

I laughed wickedly at his startled face.

This was just the beginning of what I knew was going to be a very interesting few weeks.

**Hope you enjoyed this 'little' story.**


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